Joshua Harris, author of best-selling books I kissed dating goodbye and Boy meets girl: say hello to courtship, points out that the Bible describes two good states for men and women to be in: (1) The single state is a fantastic opportunity to serve God wholeheartedly without being concerned about the needs of your spouse. [1 Corinthians 7:32-35] (2) The married state is a God-established institution [Genesis 2:20-24] and a fantastic opportunity to grow in the Lord and with each other, and to nurture and bring up Godly children [Psalm 127:4-5, Psalm 128:3, Proverbs 18:22].
Joshua also observed that many young people think that dating is the best of both worlds – you get all the benefits of marriage without any of the responsibilities. Instead, however, it is actually the worst of both worlds – you lose your free time, you lose your independence – without gaining the benefit of a stable, committed oneness relationship.
So he advocates that you do not start dating until you are ready to look for a spouse. And when you start dating, you should only date people who are potential spouse material – why waste your time and emotions having a girlfriend or boyfriend you know you’ll never marry and will have to break up with one day. Such unnecessary pain.
Looking for Mr./Ms. Right
Ok, so now, most of you reading this CF Anniversary Commemorative Issue have graduated and are now in your 20s and ready to find a spouse. So then, what do you need to do? We all know that basic principle – he or she should share our faith. People often quote 2 Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” [NKJV] “Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?” [NLT] In context, however, this passage is not specific to marriage.
A passage that is more specific to marriage is 1 Corinthians 7:39 “A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.” [NKJV] “A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. If her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but only if he loves the Lord.” [NLT] This passage is speaking of widows, but it doesn’t make sense that widows are only allowed to marry believers if virgins are allowed to marry non-believers. I know of only one instance in Scripture where a marriage to a non-believer is sanctioned by God – Hosea [Hosea 1:2]. And there, it was a direct command by God in order to fulfil a specific prophetic purpose. God isn’t putting this rule on us to spoil our fun. He knows what’s best for us, and the testimony of so many people who have married non-believers illustrates it well. Ok, ok, so we are to marry a believer. Is that it? That’s the only criterion? Well, no, of course. In choosing a mate, as with all our decisions, we need to ask, “What would Jesus want us to do?” Does God have a specific calling on your life? Does the person you’re interested in have a compatible calling? Will that person enhance or detract from your walk with God? Do you have a good personality mesh with that person? There are many issues to consider, and there is far more than I can cover in this short article.
After the weddingNow you have found a fiancée, and you’re ready to get married. What do you do now? People spend a lot of time and effort preparing for the wedding which only lasts one day, and very little time preparing for the marriage, which is supposed to last a lifetime. Mismatched expectations are the biggest reason for problems in marriage. For this reason, I’m a big advocate of premarital counselling. Most churches these days offer premarital counselling, which helps you iron out some of your expectations so that when you hit the marriage, you won’t be so blindsided. However, bear in mind that even with the best premarital counselling, there will be still new things to discover when you get married. For example, Juliane’s family and my family have very different ideas about phone calls. My parents and I always appreciate a call from the hand phone to let us know where people are in their journey and when we’ll be showing up. She, on the other hand, found these calls annoying – she’s busy getting ready for me to show up, and then I call, and force her to stop her preparations to answer the phone!
“Sex on our honeymoon will be fantastic! We’ve kept ourselves pure and faithful unto the Lord, and that first night, we’ll have a really fantastic time!” Sexual intercourse, just like most other things, is something that you learn and get better at. That night after the wedding, you’re tired and exhausted. You have never had sex before in your life! Don’t be surprised if you don’t even figure out how to have sex that first try!
Expect conflicts! Every couple has conflicts – even
people like Dr. James and Shirley Dobson who have had 40 over years of
fantastic and Christ-centred marriage! Many couples, when they find
themselves in conflict the first year, think that they have married the
wrong person. They think everyone else is having a great time their
first year of marriage. Actually, the first year of marriage is often
very tumultuous! You’re taking two separate people from two separate
families, with two separate ways of doing things, and putting them
together! Expect conflicts! The mark of a successful marriage is not
lack of conflicts – it’s that the couple has learned how to overcome
their conflicts.There’s nothing like practical experience, as opposed to just knowing the theory, but knowing the theory does help. To that end, I highly recommend the Christian radio programme Focus on the Family, which is now available on the Internet at http://www2.oneplace.com/ministries/Focus_on_the_Family_International/ – I’ve listened to this programme for years, and the theory I learned from it came in really handy in practice in my own marriage.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
This is the title of a famous book from 1992 which first made popular in the secular culture the notion that men and women inherently think differently. In the early 70s, the Feminist movement promoted the idea that men and women are identical, except for the ability to bear children, and only upbringing makes them act differently. However, long before the Mars/Venus book, Dr. James Dobson already pointed out that this was wrong in his 1975 book What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women, but since this is a Christian book, it did not receive as much acknowledgement in the secular world.
We now know that even in fœtal development, boys and girls are different. According to Dr. Dobson, at a particular point in the development of the male fœtus, testosterone floods the brain and severs most of the connections between the left brain and the right brain. The left brain is mainly for the cognitive, while the right brain is more for the emotional. This is why men tend to have difficulty discussing their emotions, while women usually have no problems in that respect – women’s emotional part and speech part are well-connected, while men’s are not.
Shaunti Feldhan, author of For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men, tells of a time when she was still single and attended a single young adults’ retreat on the theme of relationships. The speaker had all the men sit on one side and the women on the other. Then he asked, “If you had to, would you rather feel alone and unloved in the world, or would you rather feel inadequate and disrespected?” Two bad choices – but which one is less bad?
As a woman, her reaction was, “What kind of choice is that? Who is ever going to choose to feel unloved?” But the speaker turned to the male half of the room and asked “Who here would rather feel unloved?” and almost every man raised his hand! You could hear a giant gasp from the women’s section! When he turned to the women, almost every single one of them would rather feel inadequate and disrespected.
This is the principle: women want most to be loved and cherished, while men want most to be respected and trusted. God, of course, being the creator of mankind, knew about this difference. Ephesians 5:33 says that each husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and each wife must respect her husband.
Why did God instruct men to love their wives? Because women naturally need that – and men don’t as naturally provide that, because they don’t feel the need as much. Why did God instruct women to respect their husbands? Because men naturally need that while women don’t as naturally provide that, because they don’t feel the need as much. In the 21st century, good Christian men know full well they must love their wives. “Unconditional love!” as modelled by Jesus. But did you know that wives also need to show unconditional respect? “Respect must be earned!” Ah, but isn’t it also true that in the world, love must be earned? “I’ll love you if…” is the common worldly condition. But the people of God are called to a higher standard. Women, imagine how you would feel if your husband showed he did not love you – that is approximately how he feels if you don’t show him respect. Men, however, also must put forth the effort. We are called to give up our lives for our wives. [Ephesians 5:25] It is in this context that she can be submissive to us – otherwise, the Feminists would be right in saying that submission of the woman to the man is actually oppression.
Maintaining love
Most of us men don’t see the importance of romantic gestures, while most women thrive on it. Some people have commented on how even in our 4th year of marriage, I still open the car door for my wife. It’s not that she cannot do it herself. It’s because it makes her feel good, to know that her husband cares for her. I’m not saying that every husband must open the car door for his wife. Your wife is not my wife, so you need to learn what makes her day. Most people date each other until they get married… then they stop. Actually, dating your spouse is a very important thing. Why is it that people drift apart? The person you couldn’t wait to see while dating is now someone you don’t want to spend time with? Love must be nurtured. Those things you did for each other while you were dating – those things were the fertile emotional soil on which your love grew in the first place. If we want our marriage to last a lifetime, we must keep nurturing the love, especially after marriage.
